Lets start over…

It’s easier said than done, isn’t it? Going from one thing in life to completely changing your entirety.

I wish it were this easy. I wish it were as easy as saying it out loud. “I’m starting over.”
Nope, it doesn’t work like that.

How many times do I wish I could go back and do this or do that. But it’s too late for “should have’s” isn’t it?
No regrets in life. No holding back, either.
Why did I hold back? Did I hold back?

No. I don’t hold back. I don’t have regrets in life. I need to live life to the fullest.
Did I live life to the fullest? Did I take every opportunity? Seize every day?

“Fade in, start this scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world…”

I can’t seem to find my footing. But I’m trying my hardest. I need to get my feet on solid ground. Change is welcomed, but too much change causes instability. It’s this instability that makes me wonder how I’m still alive. I live because I need to. I live because I love life.

“‘Excuse me sir,
But I had plans to die tonight
Oh and you are directly in my way
And I bet you’re gonna say it’s not right…’
My reply…
‘Excuse me miss,
But do you have the slightest clue
Oh exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you’re talking to?’
She said ‘I don’t care,
you don’t even know me’
I said ‘no, but I’d like to change that soon
hopefully…’ “

I’m back. I need this now. I can’t keep running from problems. I have a good head on my shoulders. I can get through anything life has to throw at me. I’m too much of an optimist to see things negatively.

“We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self-conclusion in one simplified motion
See the trick is that you’re never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets…”

Misery? It’s a funny word. You know that saying “Misery loves company?” Well I’d much rather take on the weight of the world than let anyone I love go through the misery that I’ve been through. The people close to me deserve so much better than they are given. They’re the greatest people in the world, and I would gladly take on any burden for them.

” ‘You make it sound
So easy to be alive
Tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died?’
My reply…
‘Trust me girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying, living with me’
She said ‘are you crazy
you don’t even know me?’
I said ‘I know, but I’d like to change that soon
hopefully…’ “

I can do this. I am strong. I need to reaffirm myself and my self-confidence. I need to be me. If I’m not me, who am I? I can’t be anyone except myself. It’s who I have grown to become, accept, and ultimately, love. If I can’t go to sleep and wake up with me every day, I need to change who I am. I love myself, and I know it may sound egotistical, but it’s true. I have to be able to make myself happy in order to help others in their pursuit of happiness.

“We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self-conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that we’re never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliché motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands and you must choose.”

Am I messed up? Probably. Am I still myself, in spite of that? Of course. I can’t be anything BUT myself.
So here’s something that I’m finally able to put out to the universe:
I used to be very depressed. I hated myself, and I hated life. I could go into details, but I’m not going to.
Sometimes I get scared that that depression is going to surge back up.
Because of how negative I start thinking.
But I start thinking positively, just like I know I have to.

” ‘Alright, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than
My attempted flight
I swear to God, if you hurt me
I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you’ll never see it coming’

‘Settle precious, I know what you’re going through
’cause 10 minutes before you got here
I was gonna jump too…’ “

Song: “Self-Conclusion” by The Spill Canvas